September 18 2021
1:17 PM
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Kozak rating: 1 star

So, it has come to this. After the incoherent mess of Transformers movies and G.I. Joe, Hollywood’s recent love affair with toy giant and Y-generation childhood nostalgia exploiter Hasbro finally ran out of steam and they started to look into their board games as material for actual feature films.

That’s how we end up with this joke of a premise with Battleship, recently available on home video after disappointing at the box-office and forcing even the most seasoned film critic to think twice about their chosen profession.

Yes, this is a story based on the classic board game, instead of two armadas of ships trying to sink one another by calling out coordinates, this time it’s aliens vs. a heroic band of naval officers/GQ models trying to save the world by destroying the mysterious alien armada, who look so much like Halo characters that I’m surprised Microsoft hasn’t filed a lawsuit yet.

Does the strictly play-by-numbers Michael Bay wannabe script find a way to stick the familiar board from the game into the movie? You bet. Does someone actually say "You sank my Battleship!" No, but it comes close.

Speaking of Michael Bay, it’s sad to see Peter Berg, who directed one of the best political action films with 2007’s The Kingdom, having to stoop down to Bay’s level of mixing unintelligible action scenes, gung-ho militarism, blatant racial stereotypes and shameless, single dimensional melodrama in the form of a forced love story between two mannequins.

What’s next? Hungry, Hungry Hippos, about Jeremy Renner fighting mutated giant Hippopotamus let loose on NYC, eating chunks of the Crystler building? Or Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots, about an actual robot-boxing league? Wait, they already made that one.

Battleship is now available on home video, if you care. Twitter: egekozak